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However, it’s not just about the groom, either: if he’s a humourless drone and you’re desperate for anecdotes, take inspiration from current affairs or celebrity culture.Just remember the grannies might not know who Gemma Collins is, though; keep those references A-list.Avoid mentioning at all, especially if they’re still friends and actually at the wedding.Plus it’s not the Seventies, so swerve sexism and using language like bunny boilers, psychoes and slappers to describe women who passed on the chance to be in the white dress today: you’ll lose the crowd immediately.After expressing his humility, West, 37, launched into a moving 9-minute speech that touched on his experiences as a successful black man in America.He spoke of how “groundbreaking” it was to visit Minister Louis Farrakhan and witness the civil rights leader’s reaction to him discussing his relationship with “a woman not of color”—Kim Kardashian West, the mother of his child. She had never seen her father curse, get mad—he was the most laid-back human being—and he went so crazy and tried to chase the people down.As far as the guests should be concerned, both bride and groom were hatched from an egg seconds before the ceremony and have never so much as touched another human intimately.

If a couple of jokes miss the spot, don’t panic, and don’t mention just how badly you’re dying up there.You don’t have to be funny all the time, either – it’s not an open-mic night. If in doubt, immediately disregard the most salacious and the most sensible and go for something in between.Remember this isn’t about you and your life – one of the worst speeches I ever witnessed was the bride’s father guiding us through an overlong autobiography in which his daughter was a mere appendix.Nobody cares how big his penis is except his wife and she very likely already knows.Also, this is probably not the time to talk about when you both went through the wrong door in a club in Berlin and only found your way out three weeks later.

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